Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
