I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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