She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
