I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
