i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
