Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
