Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
