you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
