Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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