There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
