there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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