my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
