This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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