Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
