Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
