if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
