i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we made out on top of his cat.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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