dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
