when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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