JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
