Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
