i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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