Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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