I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
