dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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