fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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