No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Congratulations! We have a period
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
