pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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