I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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