i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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