It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
