Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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