I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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