The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
