I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
