I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
