Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
