I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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