my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
