My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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