oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
