Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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