You just made me feel so damn special
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
