She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
there is glitter all over my balls
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