Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
