if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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