Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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