pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
