we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize