2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
