Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
